DISILLUSIONED

I’ve just finished watching the High School Musical 3. And I don’t know whether I should be happy or not.

From the movie I felt a big vacuum inside me that I realized could never be filled in with anything from the reality. Since I was a child I’ve been hoping that I could someday have a happy ending just like all the HSM movies. But then in reality it is non existent since everything in life is changing & evolving, not exactly ending. I’ve always viewed life as a movie & I am the lead character being focused by the spot light. That everything I do is being exposed to public so I did my best in portraying the best character. I realized by now I’ve been fed with too much idealism. It has somehow withdrawn me from reality which I think from a psychological point of view is not healthy. I was & still am living with lies & I hate to say that it keeps me frustrated with a lot of things.

Everything in the movie is so ideal although not perfect. The main characters faced mounting problems but they dealt with it gracefully & with glamour.

Another thing that moved me to tears was the scene in the graduation. I wonder how it felt to graduate with your home batch. It will never happen to me. I will be taking my course for 5 years & the only way I can be in the same graduation ball I imagined before is by being an older sister sitting by the bleachers with the rest of the parents beaming with pride of her younger siblings.

I hate & love life at the same time.

It gave me everything I need but it also deprives me of things typical to young adults my age.

All I want is just a typical life.

I didn’t follow the normal trend of college students who go to universities, have a dorm & be smoothly supported by their parents, have a girlfriend/boyfriend by the age of 14 & up, I didn’t graduate in time just as how I assumed it to be. Oh yeah, I sound so full of grudge & the scene of so many youngsters my age who are far worse than mine popped out in my mind. But the thing is that they don’t realize that they are in such situation because of improper education. I am aware with it & that’s the root of the problem.

Again… watching the movie has somehow again revived my youthful idealism which is far from reality. I can’t live with it again. I can’t live by it. I thought I’ve already moved on but I was wrong!! I try to move on again. And next time I’ll have a tight grip of reality.

The Crossroads

Nostalgic About the Future

One & a half more years and our batch will be taking the march of our lives in the grand & joyous graduation ball. Unfortunately I will not be one of them.

Because of too many back subjects I have to fill in I won't be able to take the march with them. I have to finish my course for 5 years. And the graduation day that I used to get so excited about is now one of the things I'm dreading...

It's hard to imagine seeing them wear those black togas embedded with green cloth from the bleachers & not from their side. I'm sure I will get teary eyed. Teary eyed with bliss & pride I feel for those little kids I used to despise in our first day in school... those then little kids who bothered me with their seemingly endless questions and academic requests.... those little kids who unconsciously brought back my long lost confidence...those little kids who always sought my advice & made me feel significant in this world...those little kids who annoyed me & gave me hearrtaches but made me strong...those little kids I consider my biological siblings.

I can't do anything about the inevitable things....all I can do right now is treasure every moment I spend with them. I have to acknowledge change although it hurts me tremendously.